“Magic is a proactive type of spirituality, a kind of “short path” to enlightenment which seeks to balance our human nature by evoking each of the demons that lurk within our hearts and confronting it. We must find a place to stand, a sturdy foundation, and that means we must begin with ourselves and our own natures. Our natures are frought with conflicting emotions and desires, and sublimating them or repressing them is not a function of magic. All those incantations designed to summon demonic forces can be understood as a means of evoking dangerous passions that seethe beneath the surface of our own consciousness in order to control them, to command them, to manipulate them.”
( Dead Names by Simon, page 311 and 312 )
I am a priest, an Asharu-priest, living the dream of my childhood. For many years I had this illusion about a powerful tome which would transform me from an insignificant human being into a veritable god, commanding powers of life and death, summoning dark forces to lead me to greatness. It is an illusion no more, for I am becoming the very thing I had dreamed and fantasized about. But this transformation comes at the cost of great pain and confusion….
“And what crime have I committed? What Unknown God have I transgressed? What forbidden thing have I eaten? What forbidden thing have I drunk? My suffering! It is Seven! It is Seven times Seven! O Gods! Do not cast thy servant down!”
( Testimony of the Mad Arab Part 2, page 209 of the Necronomicon by Simon )
These words spoken by the Mad Arab resound in my mind as I ask myself the same things.
“What God have I angered? What Goddess? The wrong I did I do not know!”
My life has greatly changed since I began Walking the Gates, but the most significant change occurred when I began mentoring students, for teaching others opened up a whole different aspect of interaction that requires care and attention on a more personal level. And while this is a great thing on many levels, it also brings with it suffering and pain.
I do not want to expand on the issues of the matter, as I write this text to calm my emotions and hopefully regain some form of inner peace. But let me tell you that this Path is not for the fainthearted. The things you will feel and the things you will experience can bring great joy and understanding, but they will equally cast you in darkness, lamenting your fate to the Gods.
At this particular moment I find myself in such darkness, for all is utterly black.
“I am distressed; I am alone; I cannot see!”
I know I am being punished, for I have had evil thoughts.
I long for something forbidden, and now I have angered the Gods.
I have spoken sweet words, where none should have been spoken.
I have cast my light on matters that should have remained in darkness.
I am creating an abomination from feelings of desire.
I am a monster…
No wonder the Gods have cast me in darkness.
I am so torn.
Seldom have I felt this way before.
Guilt consumes me…
As does this ever-burning desire.
I am not an egotistical person anymore, and I care deeply for my Brothers and Sisters.
But their pain, especially of those I feel strongly connected with, shatters my soul.
I want what’s best for them, but my feelings sometimes conflict with what’s best for a person.
I am so sorry….
I can feel your anguish and confusion, and it casts me ever deeper into the Abyss.
I cry as I write these words.
And I know you cried too today…
We cry because we remember.
We know how it should have been, but cannot be.
And the pain of the realization shatters our spirits and weakens our flesh.
But I know that you know that I understand.
I never meant for this to happen.
I didn’t choose it.
It was meant to be.
It was written in the stars.
We just didn’t remember…