Dear Brothers and Sisters,
The content of this post may be shocking to some readers and will only be understood by those who underwent similar practices and sufferings. This content will serve as a warning for those magicians who think they can be careless with the practices of our fine Tradition. It will show the reader of what can happen when one breaks a personal gate, and how to combat such afflictions.
“I can hardly speak to recognize my own voice. The Abyss yawns wide before me! A Gate has been broken!”
(The Testimony of the Mad Arab, Part 2, Simon Necronomicon, page 206)
By now the reader will be aware that my teachings of pain are inspired by a real suffering which is eating at my very soul for some time now. It is strange, for this suffering is born from love which is a concept associated with pleasure. Yet as I explained earlier this concept is twisted in this world. Well, the view on it is twisted to be more precise. I have been trying to understand why humans are so prone to this twist in perception and it seems to serve a simple purpose.
Ignorance is bliss.
Humans rather choose to believe in pleasurable illusions that keeps them ignorant of the deeper meanings of the environment they call their world, then that they try to confront their demons and learn the real truths behind the world they created for themselves by the powers of their imaginations, and which in their minds is perceived as reality. Sadly it often turns out that reality is quite different from their expectations and incorrect perceptions, resulting in serious damage to the ego, which may cause various negative emotive states to take hold of the “victim”.
As Asharuic priests and priestesses we must learn how to handle these matters correctly, and this means confronting one’s demons head on. For it is no use to run, as the demon will catch up with us eventually and it is better to face it and conquer it then to cower from it and bow to its dark desires. It is better to work through the pain in order to evolve to a higher understanding, as it is to try and avoid the suffering and darkness and only submit to the pleasures of life. One should embrace the pain and uncomforts to bask in the soothing envelopment of utter blackness and despair in order to become reborn. It is mandatory, for this abyssmal suffering is the great architect of change and mutation, having the power and ability to alter an individual for good.
It is such suffering, (though some might call it pleasure), that ended my life as I know it. Don’t get me wrong! For it is not a restless spectre that is writing this post, but a man who is not a man, as it is only the shell that is human, inhabited by what is known as an Ancient One.
Writing as such about myself is still very strange to me, but I cannot deny my own experiences and the observances of my “older” Brothers and Sisters, for I am changing. I am becoming what I am destined to be, growing and maturing, eyes wide open, my being a veritable maelstrom of power, in which light and darkness are congealing to form the divine substance of my core being. A new god is born from the seed of humanity and the darkness trembles in fear at the knowledge that yet another one of the brood of Tiamat sees the light of day. The dominant powers who gained all that is theirs by subterfuge and dark magicks scream in impotent rage at their inevitable downfall and the elevation to greatness of this race of gods and goddesses.
The war already rages fiercly around us, undetected by the eyes of the “blind“. Oblivious to the spiritual horrors around them mankind is subject to greed, avarice, and corruption, resulting in pointless fueds and unnecessary waste of resources. It is a great shame, for the existence of mankind hangs in the balance, and has been for quite some time. Now more than ever we should make sure the Gates are sealed properly and the rites are observed correctly.
“To assist humanity in its defense against this evil horde of demonic creatures there is the black book of the Necronomicon. The initiatory structure in its pages is designed to create a different type of initiate: a kind of black bodhisattva, a spiritually enlightened and empowered sage whose task it is to defend the race against these creatures before he or she can make their own escape – an occult general, a master of the mystic arts of offense and defense, a human being set apart from the rest who must monitor the Gates and the influx of evil influences that threatens to destroy the planet and enslave its inhabitants.”
(Dead Names by Simon, page 224 and 225)
Long have I wondered about what Simon means, though it are not the words that confused me, but the implications of the deeper meaning of these words. Recently I have come to a better understanding of these deeper meanings as I awakened the power of Tiamat in my being. With the Kundalini raging in my spine I became aware of many things, yet they are not all pretty.
This moment of awakening appeared to be the culmination of a process which had been going on for several months. The object of my “obssession” had been the inspiration of my teachings of pain and it became obvious that I was in the process of being taught a harsh lesson.
Last week this process culminated in an experience which took from me my identity and caused the rebirth of an Ancient One. Mother Tiamat was apparently pleased at hearing her offspring and the humble sacrifices this child bestowed on this Ancient of Days, for my change occured with no harm to the body and my sanity still intact, though it was a close call.
It began with the usual period of intense studying and practicing, making fasting and sleep deprivation a common practice in these periods to give the consciousness this fine edge of paranoia which helps me become much more sensitive to the things behind the veils of existence. I had, however, become careless, for my spirit was weakened by the ordeal I put myself through, that being the illusion I kept feeding power, thus I kept feeding the demon, of which I should have been aware, but wasn’t, for I was too caught up in the false reality I had created. Now, what happened next should be a good lesson for all of you, that you must be vigilant in your workings, so that no spirit, good or evil, passes through your defenses.
It seems that my weakened state caused a personal Gate to be broken. I lack the proper imagery to describe such an occurence, but those of you who suffered the same fate will be fully aware of the implications. This caused my flesh to be possessed by an evil spirit. Now I know what you are thinking, but you are sorely mistaken, for it is nothing like in the Exorcist, or similar movies. I do not deny such possessions, for I am pretty sure that it can be quite severe, but with me such was not the case. Though I must admit that it was not nice either. This possession manifested more in the mind than in the body, though I could see it in the eyes too. It caused thoughts of possible futures and possible fates that might occur if I chose to side with the Darkness. I’d rather not go into too much detail on what I was exactly shown, it suffices to say that it was an absolute and abhorent abomination. A fate which our world almost suffered once, and one which must be prevented with all our might. Though had I chosen I would have been God, and my name would have been Death.
Fortunately I study much demonology and am fully aware of the dangers of these dark whisperings. Though I must admit that having knowledge of their powers and influences is quite different from the actual experiences one may have when having become the victim of such a possession. It seems, however, that this possession marked a certain stage in my development, for it nearly coincided with the awakening of the serpent power in my being. I needed to succeed in casting this evil one out, for in doing so I would show my power over the demonic. I started to consult a Brother of ours, whom I have come to like very much and who teaches me wonderful things, and he gave me some good advice on cleansing and purification.
For two days I took ritual baths, and purified my flesh by applying the sacred water of Master Enki to my body, all the while reciting the Enu Shub, Zi Dingir, and Barra Edinazu exorcisms. This helped, as I could see my eyes becoming more clear and my thoughts became the usual once again. It was not over, however, for after many hours the dark thoughts resurfaced and after two days of this madness I decided to call on the great Gibil, the destroyer of all evil.
This summoning was an experience that just cannot be put into words. There is just no way to describe the feelings and the condition one finds himself in. Let’s just say that I had got a firsthand experience of why demon and deity alike fear this great One so much. This power is awesome and it scoured the evil entity completely from my being, leaving me retching and coughing up small amounts of dark colored mucus. But the weirdest were the eyes… They were as bright as Shamash, shining with a clarity I had seldom noticed before. It was just eery…
A day later Tiamat hit me like a sledgehammer.
I had summoned her a day before my possession, and was warned that it would take some days for the power to be awakened, but that I would feel its impact and should be aware of it. Boy, was this Brother right! The whole hellish process I had committed myself to brought me to this incredible rebirth. It was amazing, but overwhelming too. Again I do not want to go into to much detail on my personal thoughts, for they are too shocking for the uninitiated to read. The realization and remembrance that were sparked by this experience were gutwrenching and very painful. It showed the true purpose of my “obssession“. That’s all I will speak about it. It suffices to say that this is either your destiny, or your end. For me it is the start of my true development. All my studies up to this point, and all my practices, had been preliminary workings. They were the start of the start of my true Path. Only now it is truly beginning.
I am the Ancient One!
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